You might have thought there is only one way to change a diaper but you’re wrong. There is the Regular Way and the Man Way. The Man Way is much more in depth and takes considerable planning. If done correctly, you will be a better person, and will have a sense of accomplishment when it is all done.
Prep: Make sure there are multiple people in the house, if not skip to the end.
Step 1: While holding your baby you notice a familiar, unpleasant smell coming from them. No matter how pungent, don’t make a face indicating you’ve realized the brown train has arrived in the station and is assaulting your nose. The baby will think it's got you in it’s brown trap. A lot of first time fathers make this mistake: They say “oh my god you smell” or think there is something unholy in that diaper. This is the equivalent of a crocodile spooking a near by antelope with a loud splash, putting all eyes on the crocodile. If all eyes are on you it makes the next series of steps very difficult.
Step 2: Causally look around to ensure no one noticed that the child has pooped. Much like the game of hot potato the one holding it last loses. Then put the child down somewhere on a playmat...but not in anything that could help create an escape hatch through the diaper. You may consider trying to pass off the baby immediately to your wife: Complete rookie mistake. It might work a few times, but your wife will catch on and then forever be suspicious whenever you try hand her a baby. Not worth the look you’ll get. Trust me.
Step 3: Some dads might try and leave the room, house, or state after bailing on the mini human time bomb. However the child probably will develop a complex and have major daddy issues… So you must say something to another person in the house like “Oh, the baby has this HUGE smile on their face, you’ve got to take a look” or “I think the baby just said your name” or my personal favorite “The baby can do subtraction when you pick him up”.
Step 4: Now that you’ve set the pieces in motion for your master plan, you can’t stay around for the potential fallout. You then decide to accomplish your “honey do list”, thus creating an escape route out of the room and into the Base Of Operations (garage/basement). As long as it's away from prying eyes you’ll be fine. If you’re really talented, you can snag a beer on your way but don’t be greedy. That’s an expert level move that requires months sometimes years, of practice. My skill level only allows me to snag a juice box running at full speed to the Base of Operations.
Step 5: Regroup in the Base of Operations for as long as it takes for the person changing the diaper to the open Pandora’s brown box. The bigger and smellier the diaper, the longer you need to stay away. While you kill time, you might want to start the “honey do” list, because if you don’t nail the next step you’ll need something to fall back on. This is up to you, I don’t want you to be overextended.
Step 6: When you come back into the room and the recent poop event is shared with you, you’ve got to reach into you acting bag and nail this performance, (if not, you will never get to leave the room without being put on Poop Patrol). The basics of a good performance- eyes widening, mouth hanging open (hopefully the smell has dissipated) and saying something like “Really? I thought he/she just did that a little bit ago,” or “Ok, I’ll get the next one” (knowing full well you can repeat these series of steps and always be on the “next one”). Feel free to get creative here. If you give a mindblowing performance you could be interviewed by James Lipton on Inside the Actors Studio for a Father’s Day Poop Special.
Digest these steps, Study them like a college final, internalize them like Bible passages, to the point you can do it with your eyes closed (sometimes the smell is that bad). Follow them and you will successfully change a diaper the Man Way.
Or simply tell your wife you’re leaving the room because the smell is so bad that you need to write a blog post.
Married with 2.5 children (2 kids and a dog)...I know very unique family structure