Baby Costume Shopping, It’ll Be Fun She Said

​My wife suggested I take both kids to look for a costume for my 8 month old son. This is how it unfolded….
 
12:15pm Put son and daughter in car seat. Drive out of driveway
 
12:16pm Drive back to house, put stroller in trunk. Leave for iParty.
 
12:30pm Arrive at iParty and stare at the wall of costumes for what seemed like hours.
 
12:50pm Find a business man costume which could made into a gangster costume (because you have to be creative).
 
12:51pm Take a picture and send to wife. Wait for hours for a response.
 
12:56pm Purchase the costume.
 
1:00pm Get in the car and start driving to Spirit Halloween, get a text from the wife saying she doesn't like it. “Too late, you took too long to respond. And it's going to be awesome.” you text back.
 
1:10pm Make it to the mall, park in the back, put one child in stroller, hold hands with the other one, navigate the endless cars.
 
1:15pm Get inside the mall and try to find the “pop up” halloween store that took over the failed Brookstone space, thanks Amazon…
 
1:28pm Walk into the nomadic Halloween store. This naturally triggers the “ I have to go to the bathroom” request from your 3 year old daughter.
 
1:45pm Wander aimlessly looking for the mall directory to find a bathroom because the mall owners apparently have a sick sense of humor. Decipher the color coded map. Sprint to the bathroom. My daughter holds herself and my son stares wide eyed as we swerve through slowly walking, carefree shoppers.
 
1:55pm Arrive at the bathroom. Family bathroom is occupied. Go into the dreaded men’s bathroom with both children. Calmly shriek out instructions “Don’t touch anything!”, as you try to disinfect any part that she could potentially touch. End up cleaning the entire bathroom.
 
1:59pm Leave the bathroom while lightly spritzing everyone in purell
 
2:05pm Return to the store and start looking for a mustache binkie and toy gun that will tie this costume together (in the name of creativity).
 
2:10pm Daughter says “I have to go to the bathroom again”. In complete shock and unwilling to negotiate with a 3 year bladder, we return to the bathroom.
 
2:15pm Put her on the toilet and wait for hours.
 
2:17pm She announces she doesn't have to go now. My head explodes.
 
2:22pm Return back to the store and search like you’re searching for food on the Oregon trail.
 
2:40pm With no luck you ask a “cheerful” goth clerk if they have any mustache binkies, her dead eyes said it all. “No”. You die from dysentery.
 
2:42pm Pull out your phone and find one on Amazon and order it.
 
2:43pm Come to the realization that Amazon must have been invented by a parent so to never have to take your kids shopping.
 
3:01pm Get back to the car. Load kids into car. Put stroller in trunk. Daughter starts to demand a snack. Remember you left it on the kitchen counter. Obscenities fly in my mind as I dig through the diaper bag looking/praying for something. Crushed pretzels, perfect.
 
3:10pm Now I need to find a gun... a toy gun!
 
3:30pm Drive to the dollar tree store and actually find one!  However it's the wrong color, damn it. Babies carry black guns, not desert sand colored ones. Buy some glow sticks and other unneeded things because everything is only a dollar.
 
3:45pm Leave store, put kids in the car, load up the stroller. Feels like Groundhog Day every time I get back to my car.
 
4:05pm Arrive at Lowes to get some black spray paint. Pushing my luck now as I've blown through nap time and my sons 4 o'clock bottle (which is sitting next to the snack).
 
4:10pm Unpack stroller and kids, roll into Lowes. Blow by the greeter because speed is all that matters now. My daughter looks at me but my new goth glare tells her not to ask for the bathroom. Get the paint, finally a easy win for me.
 
4:18pm Back to the car, pack up the kids and stroller. Leave the parking lot in silence.
 
4:19pm My son starts to cry. He continues for hours
 
4:43pm Arrive home. Realize why so many people “go for it” when crossing the river on the Oregon Trail, especially when there’s a baby crying in the wagon.
 
4:45pm Unpack car and take in the kids inside. Leave the stroller in the trunk because it doesn’t have to eat.
 
4:53pm Feed the children, everyone (the children) is happy.
 
5:01pm Look for some whiskey, none found. Head explodes again.
 
5:30pm Wife comes home, casually asks “how’d it go?” I show her my goth glare that I’ve perfected.
 
On Halloween I put my son into his costume and took his picture, many times. This is the best one….