I had written this a couple months ago but my editor was unavailable to edit more "current" pieces this week. Hope you enjoy...
I took my daughter to the local pool over the summer and while we had fun I couldn’t help but notice the same cast of characters always appear at the pool. Below are some profiles to be on the lookout for.
Clueless Grandfather- This guy is typically wearing JORTS (Jean shorts), a large hat, and a T-shirt from a place he vacationed. Now the “clueless” part of the description isn’t from his wardrobe choices, but the fact that he is walking around the wet zones with a high end camera hanging off his neck and cellphone hanging on for dear life from his belt. He is trying to capture the “precious” moments of his grandchildren when children carelessly splash near his Best Buy purchased equipment. But I guess if he stayed far away taking pictures, he might be arrested. Either way I think I’ll visit Branson, MO. The T-shirts are killer.
Very Pregnant Woman- While I applaud your strength and confidence to pull on a 1920’s bathing suit and get out there, please stay home and relax. Chasing your child hunched over all over the pool can’t feel good. Stay on the couch and make your husband go to the pool with the child. You need your strength to push that anklebiter out. Plus, I don’t know how to do a water delivery in the shallow end, but maybe we can get Clueless Grandfather to take pictures.
That One A**hole Kid- This kid knows every rule of the pool and then proceeds to break everyone of them. They are very chameleon like, they come in many sizes, shapes and attitudes. They are very hard to spot because of their shape shifting abilities but this character likes to wear any type of neon rash guard, making it easier for you and the lifeguards to spot them. I can hear people now “well they’re just kids, they don’t know they are breaking the rules.” Well when they wait till the lifeguard is looking the other way before they jump off the steps or try to drown their buddy, then they clearly know the rules and are just mini a**holes.
The Random Kid That Keeps Talking To You- This kid somehow lands in front of you and will test your polite willpower. They will usually start up the conversation with something very witty like “Why are you here?” or “Where are you from?”. You try desperately try to catch the eye of their parents 1, see if they will steer the kid away from you and 2 to make sure they know you’re not going around trying to talk to random children. Then they start to lecture on the finer points of Pokemon Go or the problems of Elsa the Ice Queen. There is no logical exit out of this conversation, unless you pretend to be mute, which works 40% of the time or you starting moving them toward that neon rashguard.
Lifeguards- Young and in great shape but they (male and female alike) always have the RBF (Resting Bitch Face). Sun touched skin, draped in a form fitting bathing suit, they sit high on their perch, surveying the water, looking for potential danger but all they see are kids acting like a**holes, breaking every rule. Also, the lifeguards with the best RBF’s are the lower ranking lifeguards that have to watch over the wading pool (2 feet deep). Yet they are still carrying a floatation device. My wife tells me kids can drown in 6 inches of water, so I understand why there are lifeguards, but they look like they are going to hang themselves from their tall chairs.
The Hot Mom- There’s always one mom at the pool that you can’t believe actually carried a child for 9 months. She always seems to be posing in her tiny bikini for an imaginary photographer by the pool edge. The most recent one I saw was in an American flag bikini. Being the patriot that I am, I would salute her whenever we crossed paths. While this clearly helped my country, it didn’t help my marriage…
T-shirt Wearing Dad- This guy wears his t-shirt into the pool with his kids. He says it’s for protection from the sun but he really doesn’t want to release his Dad Body to the world. He sometimes sits silently in the shallow end, writing blog posts in his head.